I’ve been close. Closer than I’d like. And a big problem is that I think about it almost every day. Sometimes it’s more positive: “I can’t wait to get to Heaven!” More than half the time, it’s more negative: “I can’t do this anymore.”
With my Bipolar Disorder and Aspergers and now possibly seizures, it seems like too much most of the time. I’m so sick sometimes, with blank fits and laughing fits, then my mental illness raises its head, with mania, depression, and mixed episodes that drain me emotionally. The stress has even come into my sleep, with dreams where I scream and cry the whole time. I wake up from those almost-nightmares exhausted.
I want to kill myself a lot. It’s hard to admit this to so many people. It’s hard to say, and it’s hard to hear, I know. I’m so tired. I just want to go home to be with my Lord and my God. I want to see my grandfather again. I want to meet my other family members. I want this pain to stop.
Sometimes it gets really, really dark. Sometimes I consider self-harming, though I don’t like pain and it’s hard for me to even think about it. I haven’t yet, but the darkness isn’t going away. It only gets stronger and stronger, deeper and deeper. Mania doesn’t lift the darkness, it only distorts it. I’m so tired. So very tired.
And most people don’t understand. One of my friends continuously tells me to read the Psalms when I’m depressed. Reading the Bible does help sometimes, but other times I just can’t bring myself to pick it up. I’m so tired of living sometimes. I want to go home. Everything is just so exhausting.
Sometimes I”m happy. Sometimes I can’t imagine ending it all. Most of the time, I just can’t stand it. I have reasons to live, and I realize that most of the time. But as I wrote in my book on mental illness: There’s lots of reasons to want to die while your down there. But when you are down there, you don’t just think of reasons you want to die. You also fail to see a reason to live.
Sometimes, I’ll admit now, I fail to see those reasons. I usually reach out for help, but I might not one time, and one time might be all it takes.
If you’re suffering from suicidal thoughts, please reach out for help. I know it’s hard, but the Suicide Prevention Hotline is reachable at 1-800-273-8255. I just hope that I can keep reaching out. Sometimes, I’m just not sure anymore. 😦